I’ve talked this week about trauma, especially unsupported
trauma. This is where an event or situation takes place that overwhelms a
person’s nervous system (their fight/flight/freeze/fawn response gets stuck in
the “on” position), their brain senses a threat to them, and they feel
powerless. And then they are alone with these feelings or when they try to
reach out for support, they’re ridiculed, told they’re wrong, told not to be
“so negative” and to only “think positively,” or otherwise invalidated.
I’ve said that sources for that support can (hopefully) be
friends, family, partners, therapists, and coaches.
Another source of support is your guides. Spirit guides,
angels, animal spirits, beings of light, all can provide you with that needed
support and validation.
I hear two primary arguments from people about looking to guides.
Let’s take these one at a time.
Relying on non-corporeal beings is not as effective as
relying on people physically present in your life
It’s different, yes. No question. But different doesn’t
mean worse or less effective. We’re trained to trust what we can see, smell,
touch, taste, and hear. We’re not often trained to trust what we feel
energetically.
Religion works really well for some people. And I’m sure
they’d say that relying on God or Jesus or Allah or Hashem or Brahman or El or any
of the other thousands of deities found in human religion is at least as
effective if not more than relying on humans. Humans can let us down. Humans
get caught up in their own lives. Humans forget. Humans sometimes put their own
interests before others.
If you’re lucky enough to have a human in your life who has
never once let you down, then more power to you. By definition, trauma
survivors have known the less pleasant sides of humanity. Many of us have been
betrayed, hurt, rejected, and worse.
Guides aren’t real
What reality are you talking about? The reality where people
have a near-death experience (NDE) and their lives change? The reality where
people experience miraculous healing, and their lives change? Or maybe the
reality where there are numerous stories about a rescuer—tow truck driver,
paramedic—who, when asked about later, no one has ever seen or heard of?
Or how about my reality? The one where the more I worked
with my guides, the more I healed, the more I was guided to people who could
continue to help me heal, the more I began to trust myself, love myself.
Look at the results. If a person has a mystical or spiritual
experience, meets their guides, or is the recipient of what might be called a
miracle, and as a result, they also experience more joy, more love, more peace,
and more healing, then I’d encourage them to continue.
If, on the other hand, their health and relationships
deteriorate, they trust themselves less, and they live in a constant
state of fear, anger, or numbness, then whatever they’re doing isn’t working.
That said, with the hundreds of people I’ve worked with
(professionally and informally) over the years, helping them with their guides,
not one of them has suffered as a result of relying on guidance.
Let’s talk about what that means. And what it doesn’t.
It doesn’t mean that all your wishes will come true or that your
guides operate as genies or that your life will magically become easy, and you’ll
never want for anything again.
Here’s the thing—well, three things—which I’ll be talking about
again:
1.
We don’t create our lives in a vacuum.
2.
Everyone does not have equal access and
resources.
3.
Guides are not a quick fix.
We don’t create our lives in a vacuum
Despite what many Law of Attraction teachers say, manifestation
doesn’t occur solely because you really want something and visualize it and
think happy thoughts about it all the time. And not having what you desire
doesn’t mean that it’s your fault and you just didn’t want it badly enough.
The truth is that we co-create this physical world. And we
have free will. And all choices come with consequences, some of which are pleasant
and some of which are unpleasantly unpleasant. Further, some of those
consequences can last for generations or centuries. We live, to some degree or
another, with the consequences not only of our own choices but also the choices
of others.
And that leads me to…
Everyone does not have equal access and resources
Everyone has access to guides and their resources, yes. Not
everyone is comfortable with that, for any number of reasons. But I’m talking
specifically about access to and resources for the life you’ve always wanted
but were taught you couldn’t have or didn’t deserve.
You can have some form of the life you’ve always wanted. And
you do deserve it, simply for existing in the world. But how you
get there may be easier or more difficult than it is for others, depending on
what obstacles are in your way. What obstacles, you ask? Those same obstacles
that are the consequences of others’ free will choices, which includes (but is
not limited to) racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia,
inequalities in employment, housing, education, medicine, and law, food insecurity,
and disability.
If you face one or more of these obstacles, it does not mean you
can’t have the life you’ve always wanted. It does not mean there’s no point in
trying. It means that it might not look like others’ lives, it might not even
look like how you think it should look, but it will give you the
experiences you want in your life. And your guides can help you.
Which brings me to…
Guides are not a quick fix
Quick fixes are popular. What’s not to like? Do something that requires
minimal effort, minimal time, preferably minimal cost, and get what you want. Sounds
awesome, right? Whether it’s in the form of something you ingest, something you
apply, something you wear, something you keep nearby, or something you use in
another way, these quick fixes can make our lives easier, more comfortable, more
convenient. But they don’t always (or even often) create lasting, permanent
change.
Some people do teach connection with guidance as a quick
fix. They have you listen to a meditation, meet your guides, and then—voila!—you
can ask them anything you want and get answers. I saw one promotion for an
inexpensive, self-guided, online class where you’d allegedly learn to connect
with your guides and then life would become easy. Rainbows and unicorns.
Guides do not dispense vending machine advice. What they offer is
a partnership with you. What they offer is a relationship. And that takes some
time and effort.
What “living the life you’ve always wanted” really means
Living the life you've longed for means learning to trust yourself
and your guidance to discern what is for you to do yourself, what is for you to
do in community, and what is for others to do (or stop doing). It means learning
that you are not broken or unlovable, that there is nothing wrong with you, and
that you have permission to have the life you’ve always wanted. It means asking
for help and support. It means showing up and taking action to make that life a
physical reality.
It is not our guides' job to intervene to make life more fair, or to even the
playing field, or even to ensure that all human beings are treated with
dignity. It's not their job to intervene in our free will at all.
What they can do is remind us of the truth of our divine essence, help
us experience what we came here to the planet to experience, and guide us to truly
know authentic, messy, tear-stained love of self and others along the way.
SET IN MOTION
This is how everything changed.
This is how a life was saved.
This is my story.
Trigger warning for a brief mention of past suicidal intention.
Also, bonus content in the last minute.
One year ago today was the last time I gathered with people who were not my household family members or medical personnel for required medical appointments.
One year ago today was the last time I hugged a friend.
One year ago today was the last time I ate in a restaurant.
One year ago today was the last time I left the house without a mask.
In the past year, I have permanently lost friends, some to COVID-19, some to conspiracy theories. Both have hurt deeply.
In the past year, I have also been witness to incredible resiliency, patience, courage, determination, and authenticity, some of it my own.
In the past year, I simultaneously felt like I lost faith in humanity and renewed my faith in humanity.
In the past year, I have become even more conscious of what's truly important to me, of where I need to grow, where I need more compassion, and where I can stop holding back out of fear.
One year ago today, everything changed.
 |
| Photo by Tore F on Unsplash |
As I write this, it’s my birthday.
Like many trauma survivors, my birthday has never really
been a day of celebration and joy. Rather, it’s been a collection of traumas
big and small, a message layered year after year that I’m not worth celebrating.
Until this year. Because this year, with a lot of help, I
processed the trauma around my birthday.
I see now how I was taking other people’s words and actions
(or lack thereof) and making it about me. That’s easy to do, and a normal part
of child development. And as happens with trauma, we can get stuck with
unprocessed trauma, in the same stage of development we were in when it
happened. So the child who blames themself for being unlovable, as children do
when they are rejected, overlooked, ignored, punished unfairly, and so on,
becomes the adult who blames themself for being unlovable. And every time those
old wounds get triggered by current words or actions (or lack thereof), it’s
taken as proof that the old wound’s message was right: I am unlovable.
When we process the trauma, we can separate ourselves from
it, create a more empowering belief from it, and place it appropriately into
the narrative of our lives that makes us who we are today.
But it must be processed. And to process it, we have to be honest about how we feel, be willing to feel the emotions, accept that the emotions are a natural and necessary part of who we are as human beings, express those emotions in a way that does not cause harm to ourselves or others, and love ourselves on the other side.
The day before my birthday, I sobbed. I grieved for the child who so often was rejected or ignored. I grieved for the child who believed that a pleasant birthday experience had to be earned. I grieved for the child who never wanted to have another birthday because it was only a reminder of being unloved.
I had a call with my coach that day. Knowing she’s a safe
person, and our calls are sacred space where I can freely be my full self, I
sobbed in front of her. She saw my tears, witnessed my grief, and heard my
pain. And when I had shared enough for her to understand why birthdays were so
painful, she gently reminded me that what others say or do (or don’t say or do)
does not diminish my worth one iota.
An image from my three years of EMDR (eye movement desensitization
and reprocessing) trauma therapy came up. In the image, I was standing on a
crowded beach, in pain. Everyone around me was wearing sunglasses, but as I looked
more closely, I realized that some of these glasses didn’t just block the sun.
They also blocked the ability to see others, or others’ pain, or only certain
people.
It wasn’t that they didn’t care. It was that they couldn’t see me. It’s no one’s fault, including mine, and it also doesn’t change who I am. How others see me (if they do), has everything to do with their perspective (glasses) and nothing to do with who I am.
I am neither diminished nor elevated based on how others
perceive me, including if they don’t perceive me at all.
On the morning of my birthday, I woke with a physical feeling
in my body that what others say or do is not about me. And making it
about me is what I as a child did because that was developmentally appropriate
for a child. I don’t need to do that anymore.
I felt a complete separation between what others say or do
and who I am. I felt in touch with the truth of who I am as a spirit being of
love. I felt joyous. I felt loved by the universe. I loved myself.
At 11:56 p.m. the night of my birthday, I saw the clock and that internal, critical voice noted, “Only four more minutes of my birthday, and then it’s over.”
“No,” I said aloud, shaking my head. Because every day
is a day to celebrate the truth of who I am, to love myself, and feel loved by
the universe. Every day can feel like my birthday, and I can celebrate
everyone who comes into my life and invite them to celebrate love with me.
Every day is another opportunity to experience life from a
place of love. Every day is an opportunity to truly know that we matter.