If I Belonged

> When did it start to feel like… Like you fit? Like you…belonged here?
> Well, I'm still not sure I do.

If I belonged

Really belonged

I wouldn’t feel the need

To prove myself

To show my worth

To defend every action

Every desire for connection

Every longing for love

If I belonged

I wouldn’t feel like I was trespassing

On someone else’s territory

Fearful of triggering

Someone’s anger

That I had overstepped

My bounds

Taken what was

Not mine

Expected more than

I was owed

As if friendships are transactions

And love can be meted out

In weights and measures

I don’t know how to belong

Without being invited

How do I differentiate

An invitation

From my own longing?

Carving out a place for myself

Evokes images of sharp edges

Blades cutting and slashing

Creating a space

In the absence of a welcome

I’d rather nestle in

Where space is made

With the intent

That I should fill it

A me-shaped space

A perfect fit

But this requires

The involvement of others

One in which

Belonging can never be

A one-sided decision

I see now

This is belonging

Among people

What if this is too narrow a focus?

Can I belong in the world

Without people being involved?

Why should other people

Have the power to decide

If I belong?

Am I beholden to them

For my existence

Simply because I’ve never felt

What it means to belong?

What if belonging

Is a state of being

And not a status

A rank granted

Only if one meets

Subjective standards

And pays one’s dues?

If I belonged

As a state of being

I could stop apologizing

For being who I am

If I belonged

As a state of being

I would have just as much right

To happiness and joy

To love and fulfillment

As anyone else

If I belonged

As a state of being

My needs would be important

Should the cabin lose air pressure

One of those oxygen masks

Would be for me

And I could secure it on myself

With gratitude

If I belonged

As a state of being

Then should others

Overlook me

Forget me

Ignore me

Try to erase me

I have a right

Even an obligation

To speak up for myself

To fight for myself

Because I belong

And I will not be erased

I belong

And I have a right to be happy

I belong

I do not need to carve out a space

Or nestle in to one existing

I will make my own space

In the world

And invite others

To stand with me

To sit next to me

To share with me

And if I sometimes feel

Like a fish out of water

Because belonging

Has been foreign all my life

Then I will be that fish

Who learns to live on land

Big plans for that fish

Don’t step on me

I belong.